Snuff
by cathandsaraforever55
Summary: The journey to love can be the longest journey you ever have to take. CS My first song fic


_Well, I wish I could say this is just a little song fic I did in my spare time, but I can't. The truth is I think this might be the longest song fic I have even seen._

_It is my first though_

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing except the idea

**Rated**- M

**Song**- Snuff by Slipknot

_I recommend listening to the song and then you will know why I really chose it for Cath and Sara._

_I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

After a month of isolation, left to my own devises, I am allowed to be in the presence of another from outside this building. I follow the nameless woman in front of me through expressionless white hallways. Nerves cause my heart to race and mouth to dry. The door is opened and I step into a formal room. A row of tables lay in the middle of the room. In the far corner of the room there is a vending machine and table with a coffee machine on it. My eyes are drawn to the person sitting at the table furthest from the door. I despise the familiar feelings that are now washing over me.

Fingers curled around a foam cup, strawberry blonde hair pulled up in a messy ponytail. A few strands of hair have escaped and are now resting gently around her face. Piercing blue eyes lock with mine, eyes that belong to Catherine Willows.

Crossing the room I sit so that I am face to face with her. "Hey," Her voice is quiet and I detect a trace of uncertainty within it.

"Hi."

xxx

"_**Bury all your secrets in my skin  
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins"**_

"_Sara can I talk to you?" Looking up from the clothes I am processing I suppress a smile as my eyes land on the person standing in the doorway._

_Lately we have been spending more time together and the more I get to know about her the more I realize that I like Catherine. I have started to ask myself how I have gone so long without knowing this side of Catherine. Once all of our differences are put aside we can actually get along._

_The urge to smile is ripped from me and replaced with worry. A single glance in her stormy eyes informs me that something is wrong. "Yeah of course Cath," I motion to her to come stand by me but she shakes her head no._

"_Not here," she whispers._

"_Let's go to your office then."_

"_How about out back?"_

"_Okay, just let me put this back in the evidence locker. I'll meet you out there."_

_Catherine leaves the room and I realize that she never met my eyes the whole time she was standing there._

_Quickly I put everything back in bags and reseal them. When I leave the room I am so preoccupied I don't notice the person walking toward me. Colliding with Greg I am snapped back into reality. "Whoa, Sara slow down."_

"_Sorry Greg, I'm in a hurry… Hey could you do me a favor?"_

"_Uh...yeah...sure what is it?"_

"_Could you return these to the evidence locker for me," He appears relieved and I don't blame the poor guy. He has become Grissom's walking lab experiment more than once._

_He gazes at me for a moment and then takes the bags without further question._

_When I step outside I notice that the temperature has gone down a considerable amount since the beginning of shift creating a much more comfortable atmosphere. Catherine is standing with her back against the building. Her hand is busy playing with the chain around her neck. I lean against the cool brick so that I am facing Catherine. She glances at me but refuses to meet my eyes. "What's wrong?"_

"_I'm not sure." I look at her with confusion. When her eyes meet mine the guilt lying in those pools is so strong I can almost feel it myself. "Sara I think I might be…I think I might be…falling in love with you." At this moment Catherine appears so unsure of herself and broken it scares me. The confident, fun woman I know, the woman who manages to get me to relax and open up is at her most vulnerable at this point in time and that is a terrifying though. If loving me can do this to Catherine, what does it do to everyone else? And what will it do to me?_

"_Okay...what do you want to do about your feelings?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I mean do you want time to think about them? Do you want help sorting out your feelings? Do you want to act on them? What do you want Cath?"_

"_Nothing." My eyes meet hers and no words are needed. I understand that I will never be able to fully comprehend what she is feeling, or why._

"_Then it will be our little secret." She squeezes my arm gratefully and walks away._

_Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_Catherine's words from the beginning of shift ring in my mind. Fuck her for making me question myself once again. For making me question what lies between us._

_Even as I think this, I know I am grateful that she was honest with me. Now I can understand what is there. I can understand why she will completely shut down when we talk about certain things usually pertaining to relationships, and I can't blame her._

_Looking down at my beer I take another swig of the foul liquid. If Catherine knew who I really am she wouldn't love me; she wouldn't even come near me._

Xxx

"_**The air around me still feels like a cage  
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again…"**_

"How have you been?" I ask quietly.

"Good…" I can see what I feared I would in her eyes. In the dark depths of them. I wish it wasn't there. I wish that she could find a reason to hate me and then hold onto that with all of her might.

What I can see is worse than pity, and it doesn't belong in those crystal blue eyes. Not even after everything that we have been through. I attempt to ignore it, but the harder I pretend I don't to see it, and the harder I try to make my emotions disappear the more suffocated I feel. When the brief spark between us began to fade it was as if I was caged. Unable to escape everything I was desperately clinging to, and all that I was trying to deny.

Sitting here with Catherine shouldn't trap me like this should it?

All I want to do is hate her; to let my rage consume me, because I fell in love, and not matter what I I can't fall out of love with Catherine.

"How is your treatment going?" There is the affection I don't deserve.

"It's going fine Cath…" She smiles sadly at me.

Xxx

"_**So if you love me let me go. And run away before I know  
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there  
Deliver me into my Fate- If I'm alone I cannot hate"**_

"_What if I changed my mind?" Frowning in confusion I take my eyes off the TV and focus on Catherine. She is sitting next to me on the couch in my apartment._

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_About what I want to do," I am beginning to wonder if I completely tuned out the important part of this conversation. Catherine is watching me nervously. I raise my eyebrows at her hoping to indicate I am still lost. "What if I changed my mind about what I want to do about my feelings for you?"_

"_I uhh…well…what do you want to do?"_

"_I want to be with you Sara."_

_I open my mouth to speak but the words refuse to come out. I have noticed Catherine is attractive, but I don't have feelings for her. "Catherine…I…I can't."_

_I can almost hear her heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. The expression on her face makes me want to take my words back. Makes me want to tell her that we could try. "Couldn't we give it a try? If it doesn't work we can still be friends."_

_I shake my head no. "I'm sorry Cath, but I can't force myself to feel something that isn't there. It wouldn't be fair to yo…"_

"_Don't. Don't make your reasoning about me. Just admit that you don't want it, and stop pretending you are doing it to protect me Sara." She stands up and disappears from the room. I hear the front door slam and a tinge of guilt stirs within me._

_Shouldn't I feel more? Cath is my friend. I know that I did the right thing. Even if I believed that I hadn't I would convince myself that I did so why linger on it?_

_Grumpily I go to the kitchen and grab a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Not bothering with a glass I take my first gulp of the bitter liquid; it sears my throat._

_What did Catherine expect from me? If she expected anything it would only prove how little she knows me. Still I can't bring myself to be angry with her after all that has surfaced between us._

_Another drink of the putrid liquid throws me deeper into the darkness. Leaves me with the vicious memories. However I cannot stop pushing myself into this state of numbness even if I know I won't be numb for long._

_It is as if I drink enough the images of Catherine will leave my mind forever. As if I will never again be haunted, until what takes everything away brings it back ten times stronger. Still I cannot stop._

_So my vision becomes blurred but the pain only increases. Catherine's presence only become more burdensome._

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Why are you here Catherine?"

I notice the way my words sting her. The way silent hurt appears in her expression. "Because I promised to be here for you Sara. I promised I wouldn't leave you no matter what happened, or even though you don't want me around."

I chuckle hollowly. What a load of bullshit. Her words pierce me like a knife but I refuse to show their effects on me. She says these things and she makes these promises that she has no intention of keeping. I cannot allow myself to be fooled by her again.

With an air of indifference I state, "That's not why you're really here Catherine, and we both know it."

Xxx

"_**I don't deserve to have you…  
My smile was taken long ago/If I can change I hope I'll never know"**_

_I stumble slightly on the stairs but catch myself. The edges of my vision distorted and simple things have become challenging. I grasp the beer in my hand tightly. Knocking on the door roughly I impatiently wait. Taking another swig of the liquid in my hand only creates the new, unbelievable emotion to become more pronounced. It is a giddiness that does not belong mixed in with so much anger._

_The distinct sound of the lock clicking behind the door is followed by the door opening and me coming face to face with the person that has been occupying my thoughts._

"_Sara, what are you doing here?"_

"_Th…this is…is all your …all your fault Catherine," I manage to slur out. My brain feels as if it is sludge._

"_What?" I push past Catherine not caring whether I am welcome here or not. She is going to tell me why she had to start all this; all of this… She is going to tell me why she won't stop tearing me apart, and why thoughts of her along with guilt plague me._

_Catherine grabs a hold of my arm and I yank out of her grasp. Unsteadily I make my way toward her living room hoping to make the point that I won't be leaving anytime soon. "I won't leave until…until… yo…you…you tell me…"_

"_Tell you what?"_

"_What …what do you mean what?" My voice is steadily getting louder. "Why are you…you doing this? Why…why…do you…ha…have to make me feel guilty? Is…is it because…I…I can't lo…love you?" By the end of my sentence I am already on the verge of shouting._

"_I'm not doing anything Sara. Calm down and let's talk about this. I thought we were getting along fin…"_

"_DON'T LIE! DON'T…DON'T LIE TO…TO ME! Why…why do you have to be…such…such a BITCH? I'm so…I'm sorry…I'm sorry I can't…can't love you…is…is that what you…what you want to hear?" There is a crashing of glass. I catch a glimpse of fear in Catherine's eyes. Looking to the spot where the sound came from I see the wall behind Catherine's head is wet. Liquid trickles down the wood, and the floor beneath it is littered with pieces of broken glass; the remains of the beer bottle I had left in my hand. I am struggling to put together what happened._

"_How much have you had to drink?"_

"_Not enough," I growl as I collapse on the couch in exhaustion. "Don't…don't look at me like…like that. Just tell me…tell me why…why…and I'll go." My eyelids are becoming heavier with each passing second._

_Catherine steps closer to me. I can sense her hesitance. "I don't know what to tell you Sara."_

"_Why?"_

"_I don't…"_

"_You do…you do know…know…why you are…are…doing thi…" Catherine reaches over me and…does something. Warmth engulfs me. Gentle hands push me back onto the couch. My legs are pulled up so that I am lying down. Strawberry blonde hair is briefly in my face; long enough for me to catch a hint of vanilla, and feel Catherine's lips flutter on my forehead. I shut my eyes and hope she will never go away._

_Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

In the past month I have spent day after day piecing together the drunken nights. Trying to remember exactly what pushed me over the edge, and attempting to remember what scares me the most; if I ever laid a rage filled hand on Catherine. If I turned into my parents if only for a moment.

I gaze at Catherine. She is busy refilling her cup of coffee. When she comes back to the table she hands me a cup. My fingers lightly brush over her hand causing me to fight back the emotions struggling to make themselves known. I can't bring myself to feel what my heart is trying to force me to.

I can't change, not even after this. I might be able to stay sober for a while, but eventually I will return to the alcohol. Return to my ways of escape, I always do. I will crave the next drink, and the one after that. I am not strong enough to resist the urges to soothe myself. I can never be strong enough, Catherine has always been the strong one, and I don't deserve her.

Xxx

"_**I still press your letters to my lips  
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss"**_

I pull the piece of paper from my pocket. It is worn from the repetition of folding and unfolding it. Once again I unfold it; familiar writing and all too familiar words appear. "Remember this?" I ask bitterly. Catherine glances at the letter and nods. I detect traces of regret in her features. Regret for what is right in front of her, or for coming here in the first place I will never know. "Do you know how many times I have read this letter? How many times I have examined your words, trying to understand if what you wrote was true?"

"I did it for you Sara… It was the only way I knew how…"

"Take a look around _Cat,_" her name rolls off my tongue with an unpleasant familiarity. "Look at where my life is right now, and then tell me that you did this for my own good. Look at where I am Catherine, I did _this,"_ I motion to the unwelcoming room around us, "for you."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_By now she knows who it is. She knows what kind of state I will be in, but she accepts it. I am waiting for the day that Catherine will turn me away. The day I know will come, it is inevitable, and all I am doing is speeding up the process. And why not? The sooner the pain comes the sooner I can lock it away and move on. That will be the day that I no longer have a reason to care about Catherine the way I do. I wouldn't say it's love, but I would say it is more than friendship._

_The door opens and the sight of Catherine is overwhelming. It is obvious that she is irritated. She is in her robe with her hair wet, and thrown back as usual. The morning sun dances across her face; there is something different about her today. An unexpected surge of longing courses through me and I step closer to her. Forcefully I push her back into the wall and crash our lips together._

_At first she doesn't react. I can feel the moisture against my skin and I know a few tears have escaped her. I continue to kiss her needing to feel the connection between us. Needing to feel her lips moving against mine and filling me with the emotions I haven't felt in years. I need her to understand why I am the way I am without having to use words. Suddenly her lips begin to move against mine and her fingers tangle in my hair. Electricity sparks between our lips. I run my tongue over her bottom lip and she almost instantly grants me access to her mouth. She tastes like toothpaste and something uniquely Catherine._

_When I finally realize what I am doing I abruptly pull away. Catherine's lips follow mine and reconnect with mine in a much slower and much more passionate kiss. I don't want to stop this but I do because part of me knows nothing can ever happen; that I am leading Catherine on._

_I untangle myself from her quickly before we can engage in another kiss. I know I do not have the power to resist the possibility of what might be if we kiss one more time._

"_I can't," I mumble. Turning to leave there is a hand on my wrist._

"_I don't want you driving while you are like this."_

"_I drove here…I'll…I'll be fine." The truth is being connected with Catherine like that has sobered me a great deal._

"_You're staying here."_

_I glare at her, but know I will never win this argument so I stop it before it can start by going into the living room and laying on the couch. Closing my eyes I pretend to be asleep while Catherine covers me. Her lips linger against my cheek and then brush lightly against my lips before I hear her sighing as she leaves the room._

_Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

My eyes are riveted to her lush lips. I can feel them tingling on my skin; on my head, my cheek, and my lips. I long to capture them with my own once more. I want to experience that rare connection we had one last time. However I know once I start I will never want to stop.

Xxx

"_**I couldn't face life without your light  
But all of that was ripped apart…when you refused to fight"**_

"_Why did you have to say anything?" My voice is drenched in anger. "Why did…did you have to start…start this? Huh…huh Catherine? Tell me why…why it won't sto…stop," I pause to take a sip of my beer. "Tell me…tell me why this…happened…and…and don't lie...you are a horribly…horribly bad…liar. And…and a bitch…too!"_

"_I'm not doing this again." Catherine folds her arms over her chest protectively._

_I stand up and move toward her. "Why won't you talk to me? Why won't…won't you Catherine…do you not…not love me anymore? Do…do you regret starting this…this now? Know what? You…you won't leave me…alone. I've tried…and I can't…can't get you to leave...leave me alone. I… I can't stop this."_

"_I told you I'm not doing this again Sara. Not when you've been drinking." She begins to back up as I advance on her. I follow her until she has pressed herself against the wall. She struggles as I pin her arms to the wall. My hands easily restrain her slender wrists._

"_TELL ME!" My voice is loud and my face is inches from hers. "…why won't…it go…away?" She glares at me with mixed emotions and refused to answer. Her silence only infuriates me more. _

_She has stopped trying to free herself. "Sara you're hurting me," She says weakly. "Please let go of me."_

"_Tell me why…why this is happening…I need to know…I need to know Catherine. Tell me!"_

_Tears are forming in her eyes. I brush my lips against hers. Letting go of her wrists I punch the wall where her arm was just moments ago. I refuse to look her in the eyes. Instead I examine the damage I have done to the piece of wood beneath my fist as she moves away from me._

"_Come lay down," Her voice is gentle._

_Spinning around I almost lose my balance. I stare directly into her stormy blue eyes and hiss, "No," with all the venom I can muster before leaving the house in a fit of rage. I am furious at Catherine, but I am even more furious with myself._

Xxx

"_**So save your breath I will not hear. I think I made it very clear  
You could not hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?"**_

"For fuck's sake will you stop and listen to yourself Sara! You've always made yourself out to be the victim, but have you ever stopped and thought about what you have put others through?"

She is beyond pissed at this point. I have let her expectations down again, and maybe one day she will learn I'm not who she wants me to be.

"Yes," I say harshly. I don't have to listen to this, yet I am glued to my chair.

"Who?"

"You!" I do not do well admitting weakness. I am not good at admitting that at least for a moment I cared about someone other than myself; I cared about Catherine.

"Really? So you thought about how you ripped my heart out and shattered it into pieces over and over again? You now know how scared I was, you understand how much I worried about you every minute of every day?"

"I'm not going to pity you Catherine." I refuse to listen to this. If there is anymore I will tune her out. I can't relive the pain I feel knowing what I have done to her. Not while I'm sober. When I am forced to feel raw emotions. When I am drunk I don't have to remember anything at all.

"I'm not asking you to."

"Yes you are," her words no long mean anything to me, or at least one day they will mean nothing to me. "Even if you aren't you are asking me to feel again…"

Xxx

"_**I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end"**_

_The clicking of heels signals to me that Catherine is somewhere close. The door to the locker room closes and I know exactly where she is. Glancing up at her I immediately notice the tears in her eyes. "Sara," her voice is shaky._

"_Yeah?" I ask quietly. I am worried about Catherine. She hasn't been herself lately and I fear that I am the cause of that._

"_Why…why do you do it?" I know what she is asking. I can remember certain pieces of what I have done to her, but that doesn't bring me any closer to of answer of why I do exactly what I do. Why I can't bring myself to turn away from Catherine even if I know that it would make life easier for her; not having to deal with me anymore. I look at her hopelessly. "Do…do you want to hurt me?"_

_My heart drops and I swallow loudly. Her words slash at me with brutal force.  
"No Cat…I," I have no way of explaining._

_Tears are now pouring down her porcelain skin. "Then why?" I shake my head at her._

_Standing up I move closer to Catherine. I observe how she instantly takes a step back. Reaching out I grab her arm before she can escape my reach. I pull her closer to me and refuse to stop even when she struggles to get away from me. When she is close enough I wrap my arms around her. "Stop, Sara," Catherine says vulnerably as she continues to fight me._

"_No," I tighten my embrace on her. She stops moving and buries her face in my shoulder. Catherine racks with sobs as her tears soak my shirt. Gently I rub her back._

_I can never forgive myself for doing this to Catherine._

Xxx

"_**I Never claimed to be a Saint  
Mine was banished long ago/ It took the Death of Hope to let you go"**_

_I know I shouldn't. Especially after what happened in the locker room today, but I can't help myself. I need to forget. Opening the bottle of Jack I sit down and turn on the TV. I flip through the channels looking for something that will bore me to sleep before I can create any more pain for Catherine._

_With the first sip I feel guilty, but with the next sip the guilt soon fades as the alcohol kicks in._

_Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

I look down at the letter once more, remembering what it meant to me the first time I read it. I can feel Catherine's eyes on me. Burning holes in the top of my head.

For once I feel I am gaining clarity in Catherine's words. What once seemed to be the end of hope now appears to have a different meaning.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Opening my locker a piece of paper falls onto the floor. Picking it up notice Catherine's handwriting on the outside of it. I slip the note in my pocket and grab the rest of my things, ready to go home._

_When I get home I find the beer in the bottom of my fridge and make a mental note to stop at the store and get more tomorrow. Once I have become comfortable on the couch I take out the note and unfold it._

_Sara,  
I am not sure exactly how to tell you what I need to. I write this in hopes that you will understand and not be upset with me, however I feel you need someone who will be honest with you. So I am just going to come out and say it. You __need__ help. You are spiraling out of control with your drinking and I will not stand around and watch you throw your life away.  
I love spending time with you Sar. I think that you are an amazing person, but when you drink you are a different person. You are angry and bitter for reasons unknown to me, and honestly I'm scared of what you might do when you are drunk. I am scared you when you are like that Sara.  
I will not be involved with you in anyway while you are like this Sara. I can't be. I love you Sara, and you know I do, but this is what I have to do. I don't want to see you unless we are at work anymore. This…whatever this is…is over between us Sara. I'm sorry.  
I will take you to get help if you want me to, but that is it. Please Sara get help. Everything will be better once you do ~Cath_

_I rest my head in my hands. Not Catherine. After all of these feelings I was beginning to accept that there might be more there. Now everything is gone; in the blink of an eye it disappeared. _

_Everything hurts. My body aches with pain and sorrow at the death of this relationship. This horrible concoction of emotions makes me realize something. I love Catherine Willows, and now I am not allowed to._

_Guilt hits me next. I am ruining her life. She deserves so much better than what I am doing to her._

_If I love her, I'll have to let her go._

Xxx

"_**So Break Yourself Against My Stones  
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul  
You Never Needed Any Help"**_

"You've always been so goddamn perfect Catherine. Did you know that?" Her eyes remain focused on me, but she doesn't respond. "The way you've managed to keep your life on track no matter what."

"I had no choice. That doesn't make me perfect."

"When was the last time you really, and I mean really needed help?"

"With you Sara." I stare down at a burned spot on the table. " I didn't know where to start with you Sara. I didn't know what to do. I needed help."

"I know what I did was horrible Catherine, but please don't try to hurt me. I'm sorry."

"I forgave you a long time ago," And there she goes back to being perfect. There is a lump rising in my throat. Tears are stinging my eyes and I do my best to hide them.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_I knock on the door and wait. As my nervousness messes with my body I check again to make sure her car is in the garage._

_Finally the door opens and Catherine is standing in front of me. She is still in her work clothes which reminds me that it is still very early in the morning. She folds her arms over her chest."I meant what I said Sara."_ _Despite the whirlwind of emotions inside of me it is nice to see Catherine. I have taken the past couple of nights off from work to make plans. After rereading Catherine's letter four or five times, and allowing myself to crush my heart repetitively I realized that I can no longer do this to her. The best thing I can do is get out of Catherine's sight, but in order to that I need her help on last time._

"_I know," my voice comes out quieter than I had planned. "I…I was hoping you could help me with something?"_

"_What?" Her voice rings with an underlining uncertainty._

"_I…I ummm… I'm checking myself into rehab, but I'm going to need a ride there." I allow myself to look at her and when I do all I can see is what I dreaded I would; pity_.

Xxx

"_**You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself  
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame  
You Ran Away-You're All The Same"**_

_She stands next to me at the desk while I fill out paperwork. Why do I feel like Catherine is doing this for herself? All she has to do is be supportive for an hour tops and then she never has to see me again if that's what she chooses. "I'm really glad you've decided to do this Sara." I raise an eyebrow at her and remain silent. "I know that I promised you that I would always be there for you Sara, and in ways I broke that promise. I hope that one day you will understand I did it for your own good…But I do promise that if you go through with this I might be willing to give our friendship another chance."_

_I don't believe her, and why should I? she said it was over. It is over. I doubt she ever wants to see me again after what I have put her through._

"_Bye Catherine."_

"_Bye," she looks taken aback by my sudden dismissal. She watches me closely for a moment before turning to leave. I watch her walk away knowing that I will never see her again._

_Everybody is the same. They promise to be there and even if they have the best intentions they break their promises in the end._

xxx

"_**Angels Lie To Keep Control…  
My Love Was Punished Long Ago"**_

I always assumed that Catherine lied to me. That when she left me here was the moment she walked out of my life forever. Yet she is here.

As I watch her closely and observe all of the familiar and not so familiar things about her I can't help but wonder if this is really just a dream.

It seemed as if our whole friendship was built on a lie. One being laid down right after the other to protect ourselves from the pain that still came.

I told myself I stopped loving Catherine, and I believed that I did until I saw her sitting waiting for me today, and she reminded me that my feelings for her are still very much alive. I never killed those feelings, because a small part of me still held hope. Hope that laid within my dreams.

That never stopped me from being hurt.

Xxx

"_**If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know  
If you still care, don't ever let me know…"**_

Even after having a month to think things over it is still in her eyes and it was the first think I saw when she looked at me.

Her letter which I believed to mean that all hope for us was gone forever, I now realize means that there might be a small bit of hope, hidden in the darkest corner of our lives, for Catherine and I if I could bring myself to get help.

Knowing this depresses me. "Cath why are you really here?" I ask. My voice holds more kindness than it has all day. I try to communicate to her that understand why without speaking. That I just need to hear her say it.

She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out so she closes it again. After a few seconds she tries again. "I wanted to tell you Sara," Her voice is quiet and I strain to hear her. "That…that I still love you and I always will."

Catherine takes my hand as I finally allow my tears to fall. Her declaration of love should make my heart soar, but it doesn't, because I know in order to have a chance at staying sober I need to let go of everything that haunts me.

Including Catherine Willows.

* * *

Thanks for reading!


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